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"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline...
If you are obsessive-compulsiv e, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so
we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother
ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which
number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one
will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a
representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number,
date of birth, Social Security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u- l-l-y
press 0 0 0.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before
the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk
to you.
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