Actual Funny Lines From Resumes

    • I am very detail-oriented.
    • My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
    • Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!
    • Enclosed is a ruff draft of my resume.
    • I am sicking and entry-level position.
    • It’s best for employers that I not work with people.
    • Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

  • I am a quick leaner, dependable, and motivated.
  • If this resume doesn’t blow your hat off, then please return it in the enclosed envelope.
  • My fortune cookie said, “Your next interview will result in a job.” And I like your company in particular.
  • You hold in your hands the resume of a truly outstanding candidate!
  • I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.
  • Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.
  • Please disregard the attached resume-it is terribly out of date.
  • Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.
  • Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.
  • Previous experience: Self-employed–a fiasco.
  • Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.
  • My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.
  • Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.
  • I am a rabid typist.
  • Education: College, August 1880 – May 1984.
  • I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
  • Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
  • Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
  • Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.
  • Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.
  • Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.
  • I worked as a Corporate Lesion.
  • Special Skills: Speak English.
  • Served as assistant sore manager.
  • Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job.
  • Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.
  • Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.
  • Objective: To have my skills and ethics challenged on a daily basis

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